Screech! Put Some Brakes In Your New Dating Relationship

elationshipSo now you’ve met a new guy/girl who you really like and you are both eager to begin exploring the potential that exists in your new dating relationship. This is commonly called “the honeymoon phase” of a relationship and is definitely an exciting and invigorating time. It’s a time of aliveness where the attraction you have for your new boyfriend/girlfriend prospect bubbles over, causing you to think about him/her and wanting to be with him/her every waking second. Based on my own personal experience, I would say that this one of the most exciting part of being in a relationship- but hold your horses people. You are no married couple yet and you have to get used to the idea that you won't be glued to the hip together at every single second. I know the feeling when two people get together in a relationship, there's a separation anxiety. The separation pangs when you are apart nag at you and distract you from your daily tasks. You ache to be with him/her and find yourself preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of what “could be” that fuel your desire even further.

 

It’s A Chemical Reaction!

Avoid Limerence- Take It Slow

There’s actually a clinical term used to describe this phenomenon that exists at the beginning of every romantic relationship. It is called LIMERENCE. Limerence is an involuntary state of intense desire and attachment toward another person whom you become attracted. You begin to idealize him/her and magnify all his/her good qualities. It’s intrusive and provokes feelings of deep longing and passion to be with that person and these feelings can be blindingly strong. In fact, our bodies naturally produce an abundance of chemicals and amphetamines during the romantic love stage, including dopamine and the “love drug” phenylethylamine (PEA), that account for this state of euphoria and ultimate bliss.

The point of all of this is that when you first meet someone whom you share a strong attraction with, there’s a lot of powerful currents going on that could cause you to get swept away in the tidal wave of emotion and lead you to make impulsive and reckless decisions that could sabotage a potentially good thing you and your new dating partner could have if you’re not careful. Many men/women make the mistake of rushing things along too quickly because it feels good, like having sex too soon or moving in together prematurely. This is not a sign of a healthy good relationship. It can get too tight and cause either you or your partner to lose interest in the relationship easily- or worse cause irritation and lack of personal space. I had been in this type of situation before and believe me, it sucks. Speaking from experience, I craved for more of my "me-time" after a month of almost being with the girl day in and day out 7 days a week/ 4weeks a month. To some it looks sweet that you guys are inseparable; but for one of you, it just causes more irritation to be with someone too much. I longed for some space and when she didn't give it, I broke up with her. Don't let your relationship come to this.

You want to ensure that you get your budding relationship off on the right path toward success! Enjoy this wonderful feeling that you’re having and bask in the glow of it; this is truly one of the greatest joys of life! And while you’re savoring it all, it’s also important at the same time that you balance and regulate these feelings so they don’t impair your judgment and cause you to act in ways that might disrupt healthy relationship development. The key to accomplishing this is through pacing- taking it easy, nice and slow. 

Blake Lively & Penn Badgley Taking Their Time

Pacing refers to taking things slow and letting the relationship evolve and mature naturally. While there certainly are those relationships that prosper when the couple had sex on the first date, for example, having sex too early or rushing the relationship too quickly tends to be defeating because a foundation of trust and intimacy has not yet been set to withstand any eventual conflicts or strain that are a part of growing as a couple.

So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy/girl even though you know it’s best to wait? How do you handle these powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and without becoming too intertwined?

Action Challenges

Here are some action challenges to help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship progression with your new dating prospect: 

  

1. Be proactive, not reactive

This means to avoid acting on every impulse you have when it comes to your dating partner. Do you really need to call him/her for the fifth time today? Is it wise to send him/her one email/text after the other on the same day? Do you have to see him/her every day this week? By thinking about the consequences of your actions, you’ll be in a better position to guide the relationship along. If you need to, snap yourself with a rubber band to break out of an “impulse trance” to avoid making impulsive moves.

  

2.  Balance togetherness with separateness

Beware of spending every waking hour with each other. You need breathing room and you don’t want the relationship to become suffocated by becoming too enmeshed. This is the reason why I broke up with my ex. Too much time with her I couldn't even do things on my own anymore. I couldn't hang out with my friends without her and I felt like I lost all sense of individuality being involved with someone who's too possessive. You can avoid this by having your own independent life separate from the relationship (and actually allowing your partner to do the same), you’ll be bringing fresh air into it that will help vitalize it and keep it exciting. Don’t forget you have other roles, responsibilities, and relationships that deserve and need your attention as well! Don't let your world revolve around your partner.

3.  Find outlets for your impulses

Stave off those self-sabotaging urges by finding productive outlets for those impulses to “rush things along.” Such things as exercise, shopping, spending time with your other friends, or writing can be helpful pursuits to channel your thoughts and feelings toward when all you want to do is direct your energies at your love interest. They can be constructive distractions to avoid speeding things along Plus, doing things separately once in a while will also give you and your partner something to talk about when you get together.

4.  Stay anchored in the here-and-now

New lovers often times in their exuberance talk about what their futures will be like together and this definitely accelerates the pacing of the relationship. Instead, be fully present in every moment you share together and enjoy each opportunity together as a gift in “the now.” Simply put, just enjoy. This stage of your relationship is too early to think and talk about your future life together. To help stay on an appropriate time line for yourself, you can create a personal scrapbook of the memories and experiences you’ve shared with this special person as a time-table and way to stay centered on going slow and relishing in getting to know each other. There's fun in getting to know each other. Why rush? If you really believe that this person is the right person for you, then you have a whole lifetime to spend discussing and living the future with him/her.

5.  Communication starts from “Day One”

Talk to each other about the thoughts and feelings that you’re having- and be honest with it. This shared dialogue will help cement the bond between you even more and communication is one of the avenues toward building trust, respect, and intimacy. Communicating with your partner openly also opens up a door that you can both enter and see which direction your relationship will take. Stop trying to hide your feelings (Specially us men. Admit it, we hate talking about our own feelings.) By keeping the feelings and temptations vocalized, they can be dealt with more directly. Unspoken, suppressed desires have a way of erupting spontaneously and you’re more at risk for acting-out by keeping everything hidden. Obviously you’re not going to want to share everything you’re thinking about with your dating partner (there do need to be some boundaries!), but keeping the dialogue open and honest can help pace the momentum.

6.  Always stay in touch with your personal requirements

Being mindful of the qualities and characteristics of your ideal partner and relationship can be an excellent barometer to gauge the pacing of your relationship. With every experience and contact you have with your new dating partner, you’re learning more and more about whether this is truly a goodness-of-fit. Does he/she share similar values? Does he/she stimulate me intellectually? Is he/she trustworthy and loyal? Can I be vulnerable with him/her and share my feelings? Do we have physical chemistry and compatibility? These are all things that are learned in the process of your dating journey with this particular person. Stay true to your personal requirements and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship, and you can’t go wrong!

Conclusion

The Beginning Of A Beautiful Relationship

The beginning of a new dating relationship is often times characterized by an abundance of feel-good feelings that can be mind-boggling and overwhelming. Enjoy the thrill of what is happening to you and at the same time make sure that you stay in control of these feelings as opposed to the other way around. Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask yourself to ensure your relationship is pacing at a rate you are comfortable with before allowing yourself to be vulnerable and consider commitment would be:

"Has my dating partner consistently demonstrated through his/her words and actions that he/she is safe to let into my life and share my heart?"

The answer to that question can only be answered through the passage of time and shared experiences. So slow down, think, and enjoy the ride!

Meeting Up Face To Face: What The Heck Do We Talk About?

Moving Beyond Online Chatting

So you’ve more than likely been chatting it up online with a potential dating prospect that you’ve met through your personals ad and perhaps even progressed to talking a bit on the telephone. Congratulations! You've moved passed the online chatting phase and you're now on the second phase- the getting-to-know-each-other phase before the actual meet up and dating face to face. This is the best part of the virtual dating process. You gradually move from email correspondence or online chatting to actually speaking “live” on the telephone then you meet up in-person for the first time. This gets the acquaintanceship started at a reasonably good pace and allows you to learn more about each other through written and verbal words before taking the plunge to meet face-to-face, which for most people is the more vulnerable and nerve-wracking scenario. Take time to glean the information you receive about this new person through all your modes of communication you’ve had with each other before deciding whether he meets your compatibility criteria to even proceed with a physical meeting. This will help to save much time and energy in your quest for a good first date material.

Prepping for the Big Moment

Getting Ready For The Next Step

It’s also important before segueing from phone conversation to direct face-to-face contact that you define for yourself the parameters of what this first encounter with your personals ad match means. It is generally helpful to view this first physical approach with each other as a “first meeting” as opposed to a “first date.” Labeling it as a “first date” can conjure up all sorts of anxiety, anticipation, and expectation that can be quite sabotaging and distracting. It's normal to be excited that you're finally meeting up that person on the other end of the line- but remember, though you guys were able to connect over chat and phone, it does not necessarily mean they you guys would hit it off when you meet up face to face. A lot of people are good talking online but can be complete bums face to face. So hold your horses before you make any expectations on what should happen after that first date. “The first meeting” is intended to be a brief and casual get-together to see if you and your personals match can build-upon the momentum of what has been achieved in your prior contacts and to determine if there is enough compatibility and chemistry to warrant pursuing a “first date” with each other as the next progression.

Approaching “the first meeting” without any anticipation of outcome is an important key to staying in control of your dating life and to avoid any unnecessary disappointments and unrealistic expectations. You’re meeting a new person for the first time for some fun and captivating conversation, and if anything else materializes from that…bonus! Keep it grounded.

So you’ve scheduled a time to meet up with this new prospect. What the heck to do you talk about? Communicating with someone online or on the telephone can be a lot different and less anxiety-provoking because of the sense of removal and space that exists between the two of you. Sitting face-to-face with a stranger that you’ve only just begun to develop an affiliation with through online methods can really be quite daunting for some people. Here are some tips for how to dialogue most effectively on your “first meeting” to make the experience satisfying and pleasurable for both of you.

 

Tips

Meeting Your Date For The First Time

 

• To emphasize again, keep the focus on the fact that there is no expectation of outcome. This will help you to be more casual, relaxed, and to stay fully present and engaged with your prospect rather than be “stuck in your head” with worries about how you’re “performing” or whether this person perceives you favorably.

• Remember to keep the meeting short, time-limited and structured for the first time. It’s also advantageous to do something activity-oriented like going to a mall, a gallery or a museum or taking a short hike in a nature preserve. This gives you a built-in conversation piece by being able to talk about the cues in your immediate environment and surroundings rather than sitting there staring at each other in uncomfortable silence across a coffee shop table if you happen to freeze during a lull in the conversation.

• Absolutely do not talk about anything negative! This means no talk about ex (this is a common mistake for most people), past relationship baggage and scars, family problems, health or financial issues, etc. This is about putting your best foot forward and creating a climate of positive energy and attraction. DO talk about your dreams, goals, fantasies, passions, talents, work, vacations, etc.

• This meeting is an opportunity for you to discover if this person across from you would be a potential goodness-of-fit with your personal requirements for a partner and relationship. Make sure you know what that would be for yourself and then weave these questions in naturally during the course of your conversation so that it doesn’t sound like an interview. Most people refuse to open up in a conversation because they think they feel that they are being interrogated or in a job interview. Avoid asking too many questions and firing them one after another.

• One of the greatest gifts you can give your prospect is to show curiosity in who he/she is as a person. Ask him questions about him/herself, validate the things that he/she says, and show a genuine interest. One of the secrets to landing a date with someone or to making a good impression is to make sure you leave the encounter with that person feeling good about him/herself as a result of his/her interactions with you.

• If you happen to run out of things to talk about or find yourself paralyzed with a mental block, it can be helpful to be appraised of current events so that you may have that news at your disposal to initiate a dialogue and learn more about your prospects views and opinions on various matters. However, avoid topics that may cause debate between the two of you. Remember, you are on a first-meeting kind of a date and not in court.

• Discussions around religion, politics, and sex may be better postponed for later contacts due to the heaviness and potential controversy that exists in these topics. The “first meeting” should be light, fun, and positive. While it’s important to learn about each other’s tastes and preferences, bringing this subject out in the first contact could send mixed signals that this is more of a “cruising” situation and that sex is a priority. The relationship-minded single keeps sex into perspective at its appropriate time and context.

ACTION CHALLENGES:

The Actual First Meet

•  Before your meeting, make a list of all the possible topics you could talk about when you guys get together. Obviously, spontaneous conversations will come across more naturally and flow better, but just in case you need a back-up plan, having some conversation-starters in your back pocket can help ease your mind. Remember to include questions about your own personal requirements for a partner and relationship, and if you don’t know what these are, spend some time creating this very important list that ultimately becomes your dating screening tool.

If I'm So Cute Then Why Can't I Land A Decent Date?

Everyone of us has experienced a trouble or two when it comes to dating. Personally, I would say that I have grown accustomed to the whole dating game and blind date scenario ever since I started going out on dates myself. As an average guy who I believe many people find cute and attractive, landing a decent date these days can be quite a challenge. Apparently, one of the most common concerns of any single person out there is the difficulty of securing quality dates and compatible mates; and sometimes, even just landing a date of any kind. This has been my dilemma for a time. Invitations of sex and one night stands seem more readily accessible and normally after that one night; frustration and disappointment sets in. What I'm talking about here are people like me who are relationship-minded singles and have good heads on our shoulders . We are ready and available for love; however, we can't seem to find others who mirrors our desire for substance and depth in our involvements.

After a series of let-downs, rejections and failed attempts to find a decent date, it can really start messing with your sense of optimism and positive outlook. I even asked myself one time "Aren't there any decent people left in this planet?" Slowly, without realizing it, I began to develop resentments towards the whole idea of dating and the whole single community. I even question if these relationships (or any other relationship for that matter) really work. The worst of it is I began turning these attacking feelings against myself in the form of developing beliefs that there's something wrong or defective with me in the face of so much perceived rejection. Ouch! Stop this madness! I, for one wouldn't allow all the hard work it took for me to develop and grow myself into the solid man I've become just to be tampered with these inherent challenges of dating.

NOT YOU, IT'S ME

It's Not You- It's Me

Sounds like a break-up line to me. Why is it hard for people to meet and participate in the courtship process? What follows here is a list of reasons (and there's probably more that you can think of) that might be contributory factors to the obstacles we encounter in our efforts to find quality partners. I'm not saying this to reinforce any hopelessness that you people may have or to encourage you to give up. Instead, I am hoping that this would showcase how difficult dating can really be (but not insurmountable). So before you start beating yourself up for your lack of a dating life, first recognize that the system of dating itself now stands hold many dysfunctional politics that makes the situation very difficult for us (yes- that includes you and me).

                                                                                                                                          

• Single men and women make up only 35% of the total population (this includes gay men and lesbian women who may or may not be involved in the same sex relationship). This thereby decreases the singles dating pool.

•  Single people don't wear the word "SINGLE & AVAILABLE" on our foreheads, which makes it even more difficult to find the right partner in the said pool.

•  Due to our society's outlook towards single men and women, ridicule, abuse and violence often prevents the growth of the dating community. This wrecks havoc on our self-esteem, confidence, and sometimes even our identity. As such, our dating pool possess proportionately more singles struggling with mental health issues, substance abuse and other addictions.

• There is an absence of positive role models to emulate what healthy relationships look like or how they function. There are basically no scribed developmental tasks or rites-of-passage in adolescence to teach us how to date or honor other single people out there. As such, many single people feel directionless in dating and can sabotage potential relationships. Combined with fears of intimacy, conflicts of identities and wants... it's no wonder at all that dating can be so hard!

•  Single people nowadays tend to sexualize other single people, their bodies and their relationships. Coupled with glamorizing youth, objectification is rampant and sex seems to take center stage. Until our community as a whole makes some radical changes in our views concerning single men and women, healthy dating and relationship development and maintenance will likely be challenged and overshadowed.

ACTION CHALLENGES

Action Speaks Louder Than Words

So as long as these systematic challenges exist, it will continue to bring potential barriers to our dating life. We are not victims; being single these days require courage, patience, perseverance and resilience. To survive, we must be strong to face anything. The first step to achieving this is to take back your personal control and refusing to allow these dating challenges and disappointments to have emotional power over you.

• Start keeping a "date journal" and begin writing down your dating efforts and lessons learned from previous experiences to watch yourself  evolve in the process. 

• Make a list of all the reasons why you are a "good catch" and why it's important to keep your head held high when things aren't going so well. You may write about the benefits of being single. Refer to this list when you get into an obstacle in your dating life as a way of motivating yourself. When you hear a quote or motivational saying that resonates with you, add this to your journal for additional affirmation and incentive.

• Since we are only in control of ourselves and cannot change other people, avoid blaming the "system" or other men or women for the current state of affairs they're in.

• From what I noticed, a vast majority of single men or women do not initiate conversations with other single men or women they find attractive. These people prefer instead to take the passive stance of waiting for others to approach them. Big mistake! Imagine how many relationships could have started had these men/women made the first move. Make it a habit every time you go out to initiate a conversation with at least one person. This very important social skill could really give your dating life that extra boost!

• Just like me, be visible in as many different venues as you can. Live your life to the max and join as many social groups, activities, parties, and events that cater to your interests and enable you to mix with other potential dates. If you happen to meet someone special there... that's an big bonus for you. However, go into these situations with no expectation of outcome. If you have personal ads (again, just like me) make sure you have a captivating headline that draws attention and make sure that your personal requirements for a partner and relationship are sprinkled throughout the content to screen appropriate candidates better. You could even start your own singles support group or recreation club. All it takes is a little creativity & imagination!

• Alone we can't change unhealthy scripts in the singles community, but one person at a time and banding together can create a shift in eradicating stereotypes, objectification, and creating value in relationships and intimacy. Is there anything that you’re willing to do to make that impact?

CONCLUSION

Finally- Landing The Date You Want

Being single has it's own pros and cons just like anything else. The trick is to make the most of this time of your life and to view it as an opportunity rather than a liability and explore different ways you can bring more meaning and purpose to your life rather than defining success around having a partner. When that time comes, it will make the experience that much more rewarding and fulfilling. It absolutely can make you go stark-raving-mad when that guy doesn’t call you back when he says he will or if it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever meet a girl who wants more than just sex. The point is to acknowledge these feelings, but then redirect yourself and refrain this by recognizing the disguised blessing in these happenings–this void may actually be preparing you for when the right time does come and has just freed you from missing out on such a potential opportunity. By taking control of your dating life and living a rich and enjoyable lifestyle, you’ll have the power to cope with dating woes and view them from a more positive perspective.