elationshipSo now you’ve met a new guy/girl who you really like and you are both eager to begin exploring the potential that exists in your new dating relationship. This is commonly called “the honeymoon phase” of a relationship and is definitely an exciting and invigorating time. It’s a time of aliveness where the attraction you have for your new boyfriend/girlfriend prospect bubbles over, causing you to think about him/her and wanting to be with him/her every waking second. Based on my own personal experience, I would say that this one of the most exciting part of being in a relationship- but hold your horses people. You are no married couple yet and you have to get used to the idea that you won't be glued to the hip together at every single second. I know the feeling when two people get together in a relationship, there's a separation anxiety. The separation pangs when you are apart nag at you and distract you from your daily tasks. You ache to be with him/her and find yourself preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of what “could be” that fuel your desire even further.
It’s A Chemical Reaction!
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| Avoid Limerence- Take It Slow |
There’s actually a clinical term used to describe this phenomenon that exists at the beginning of every romantic relationship. It is called LIMERENCE. Limerence is an involuntary state of intense desire and attachment toward another person whom you become attracted. You begin to idealize him/her and magnify all his/her good qualities. It’s intrusive and provokes feelings of deep longing and passion to be with that person and these feelings can be blindingly strong. In fact, our bodies naturally produce an abundance of chemicals and amphetamines during the romantic love stage, including dopamine and the “love drug” phenylethylamine (PEA), that account for this state of euphoria and ultimate bliss.
The point of all of this is that when you first meet someone whom you share a strong attraction with, there’s a lot of powerful currents going on that could cause you to get swept away in the tidal wave of emotion and lead you to make impulsive and reckless decisions that could sabotage a potentially good thing you and your new dating partner could have if you’re not careful. Many men/women make the mistake of rushing things along too quickly because it feels good, like having sex too soon or moving in together prematurely. This is not a sign of a healthy good relationship. It can get too tight and cause either you or your partner to lose interest in the relationship easily- or worse cause irritation and lack of personal space. I had been in this type of situation before and believe me, it sucks. Speaking from experience, I craved for more of my "me-time" after a month of almost being with the girl day in and day out 7 days a week/ 4weeks a month. To some it looks sweet that you guys are inseparable; but for one of you, it just causes more irritation to be with someone too much. I longed for some space and when she didn't give it, I broke up with her. Don't let your relationship come to this.
You want to ensure that you get your budding relationship off on the right path toward success! Enjoy this wonderful feeling that you’re having and bask in the glow of it; this is truly one of the greatest joys of life! And while you’re savoring it all, it’s also important at the same time that you balance and regulate these feelings so they don’t impair your judgment and cause you to act in ways that might disrupt healthy relationship development. The key to accomplishing this is through pacing- taking it easy, nice and slow.
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| Blake Lively & Penn Badgley Taking Their Time |
Pacing refers to taking things slow and letting the relationship evolve and mature naturally. While there certainly are those relationships that prosper when the couple had sex on the first date, for example, having sex too early or rushing the relationship too quickly tends to be defeating because a foundation of trust and intimacy has not yet been set to withstand any eventual conflicts or strain that are a part of growing as a couple.
So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy/girl even though you know it’s best to wait? How do you handle these powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and without becoming too intertwined?
Action Challenges
Here are some action challenges to help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship progression with your new dating prospect:
1. Be proactive, not reactive
This means to avoid acting on every impulse you have when it comes to your dating partner. Do you really need to call him/her for the fifth time today? Is it wise to send him/her one email/text after the other on the same day? Do you have to see him/her every day this week? By thinking about the consequences of your actions, you’ll be in a better position to guide the relationship along. If you need to, snap yourself with a rubber band to break out of an “impulse trance” to avoid making impulsive moves.
2. Balance togetherness with separateness
Beware of spending every waking hour with each other. You need breathing room and you don’t want the relationship to become suffocated by becoming too enmeshed. This is the reason why I broke up with my ex. Too much time with her I couldn't even do things on my own anymore. I couldn't hang out with my friends without her and I felt like I lost all sense of individuality being involved with someone who's too possessive. You can avoid this by having your own independent life separate from the relationship (and actually allowing your partner to do the same), you’ll be bringing fresh air into it that will help vitalize it and keep it exciting. Don’t forget you have other roles, responsibilities, and relationships that deserve and need your attention as well! Don't let your world revolve around your partner.
3. Find outlets for your impulses
Stave off those self-sabotaging urges by finding productive outlets for those impulses to “rush things along.” Such things as exercise, shopping, spending time with your other friends, or writing can be helpful pursuits to channel your thoughts and feelings toward when all you want to do is direct your energies at your love interest. They can be constructive distractions to avoid speeding things along Plus, doing things separately once in a while will also give you and your partner something to talk about when you get together.
4. Stay anchored in the here-and-now
New lovers often times in their exuberance talk about what their futures will be like together and this definitely accelerates the pacing of the relationship. Instead, be fully present in every moment you share together and enjoy each opportunity together as a gift in “the now.” Simply put, just enjoy. This stage of your relationship is too early to think and talk about your future life together. To help stay on an appropriate time line for yourself, you can create a personal scrapbook of the memories and experiences you’ve shared with this special person as a time-table and way to stay centered on going slow and relishing in getting to know each other. There's fun in getting to know each other. Why rush? If you really believe that this person is the right person for you, then you have a whole lifetime to spend discussing and living the future with him/her.
5. Communication starts from “Day One”
Talk to each other about the thoughts and feelings that you’re having- and be honest with it. This shared dialogue will help cement the bond between you even more and communication is one of the avenues toward building trust, respect, and intimacy. Communicating with your partner openly also opens up a door that you can both enter and see which direction your relationship will take. Stop trying to hide your feelings (Specially us men. Admit it, we hate talking about our own feelings.) By keeping the feelings and temptations vocalized, they can be dealt with more directly. Unspoken, suppressed desires have a way of erupting spontaneously and you’re more at risk for acting-out by keeping everything hidden. Obviously you’re not going to want to share everything you’re thinking about with your dating partner (there do need to be some boundaries!), but keeping the dialogue open and honest can help pace the momentum.
6. Always stay in touch with your personal requirements
Being mindful of the qualities and characteristics of your ideal partner and relationship can be an excellent barometer to gauge the pacing of your relationship. With every experience and contact you have with your new dating partner, you’re learning more and more about whether this is truly a goodness-of-fit. Does he/she share similar values? Does he/she stimulate me intellectually? Is he/she trustworthy and loyal? Can I be vulnerable with him/her and share my feelings? Do we have physical chemistry and compatibility? These are all things that are learned in the process of your dating journey with this particular person. Stay true to your personal requirements and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship, and you can’t go wrong!
Conclusion
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| The Beginning Of A Beautiful Relationship |
The beginning of a new dating relationship is often times characterized by an abundance of feel-good feelings that can be mind-boggling and overwhelming. Enjoy the thrill of what is happening to you and at the same time make sure that you stay in control of these feelings as opposed to the other way around. Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask yourself to ensure your relationship is pacing at a rate you are comfortable with before allowing yourself to be vulnerable and consider commitment would be:
"Has my dating partner consistently demonstrated through his/her words and actions that he/she is safe to let into my life and share my heart?"
The answer to that question can only be answered through the passage of time and shared experiences. So slow down, think, and enjoy the ride!
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